There was a blue moon last night, but I couldn't see it, as large snowflakes fell, covering everything. The sky was as thick and fluffy as a deep blue duvet, reaching down to meet the pristine whiteness.
This morning is quiet, quiet and so peaceful. The promise of a new year...
In the last 10 years, I lost my mom, a friend, my dog and my brother... in that chronological order. Grief is something that you can't explain, avoid or even try to understand. It changes you, right down to the cellular level. You are left transformed. But if you go through it, you get to keep those people with you, because through grieving they become a part of the here and now and forever.
We bought a house on the river, spent 6 months renovating, only to have the house next door burn down, causing $40,000.00+ worth of damage on ours, which led to 5 months of fighting with a huge insurance company in the midst of health issues, winning and spending another 6 months re-renovating (and then some, with grace and blessings from God) and finally, moving in (and loving it).
My business, which I have spent 10 years building was threatened, by two people, one I had trusted and both I had helped over the years. It came out stronger, as I did, because playing dirty always leaves a sticky trail. I stayed true to myself, kept my head up and made important discoveries about what truly matters. The business came back (again, "and then some" -- see a pattern here? ;D)
I re-discovered photography, and in the process, re-discovered myself.
In sharing your view of the world through photos, you can't help but reveal who you are, to yourself and to others. You can't pretend to be one person, when your photos show you to be another. I fell in love with photography again for many reasons. It was a creative outlet for me that, unlike my writing-for-pay, had no restrictions (maybe because no one was paying haha). But most of all, because it affirmed who I was. The world will always try to pigeonhole you, people will try to box you in, but art is truth. "The eyes are the window to the soul" is so true when it comes to photography.
Looking back, this past decade was indeed one of loss, but also of growth, healing, change and in a way, tremendous gain. Gain, because I learned that I am strong enough to withstand loss, flexible enough to bend in the face of adversity and blessed enough to fight battles without turning bitter. I made a conscious choice to come out of anything more loving and giving, more me.
I've found it is the only way to survive and still be able to live with myself.
I am also happier than I have ever been.
I am hoping this decade is one of restoration, for me and for you.
2009 certainly wasn't the easiest year for many of us, but as I get older I realize that what I think is happening TO me, is really happening FOR me. (thanks to my little sister L for pointing that one out).
Aging is not easy. I don't mean becoming elderly, which I am sure has enormous challenges and pains and perhaps pleasures, and which I will find out about soon enough, but every single year from when we are born... there is pain, which gives way to healing, which gives way to wisdom in the acceptance of God's blessings and the precious lessons we learn along the way.
I used to be very "private"... which is ok, but it also comes with a feeling that you HAVE to be private, that to be "public" is in some way shameful. I have gone "public" and realized that there is much to be learned through sharing.
